Whiskey Sharts is a kick-ass-southern-rock band that hails from Shartsville, in the good ol’ US of Fuckin’ A. Founded by the late and great Stan Mason Dixon – may he rest in peace – Whiskey Sharts has become a legend in it’s very own town. After Stan Mason Dixon passed before their first show on a national tour, the band broke-up, unable to play the music again. It has been over a decade since the Music of the Whiskey Sharts has played in the town and not a record of the music was made. However, Pedro Ducer, the producer of Whiskey Sharts, and Tex Mac Arthur, the manager, have persuaded the band to get back together and make a Greatest Hits Album. So the boys packed up their things and have temporarily relocated to the most magical place in the world, Orlando, Florida.
Meet the Sharts
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Trace is the lead guitarist and musical scribe of Whiskey Sharts, and not to mention the gifted nephew of the late and great Stan Mason Dixon. *May He Rest in Peace. Trace has been able to take the melody and lyrics of both Stan and Keith and make the kick-ass music you hear today. He has two shows on SHTN (Shartsville Home Town Network), Cooking w/ Crooks (1ep.) and “Fingering with Trace.” (still in production)
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Rico Planeta
Rico is the wacky and always energetic drummer of Whiskey Sharts and also the proprietor of Planeta Pharms. When he isn’t banging the hell out of the drums with Whiskey Sharts, he is either partying in the Coco Bongo District of Shartsville or taking a long siesta. Rico has been drumming for the Sharts since their conception back in the day. Actually, we are not really sure where Rico goes or what he does while he’s gone so we just said some shit to fill-in. He’s a bit of a mystery. (getting fucked-up prolly)
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Beaver Davenport
Beaver is the owner of Beaver’s damn auto repair in Shartsville and lends his talents to Whiskey Sharts through his bass and drum playing. Since no one person can replace Uncle Stan, having several shitizens who can play the bass is necessary for Whiskey Sharts when they play their music outside of their home town. Since there aint too many cars in Shartsville on account you can walk to most places and people like the town bus, Beaver has a lot of time to play with Whiskey Sharts. You would swear he’s slaps that bass like a beaver slaps it’s tail, but that ain’t where he got that name. Next time you see him ask him the story of his name.
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Keith Fucking Jackson
What can we say about the front man and lyricist for Whiskey Sharts that he hasn’t already said before? Legend has it he was raised by wolves and was found by the Montana family when he was about 5 years old. The Montana family own the Shartsville Saloon and Keith grew up there, watching Stan and Whiskey Sharts perform three nights a week. It wasn’t until Keith was a teenager that he joined Whiskey Sharts during a “Sing Karaoke with the Band” show. Keith performed his “ass off” in front of like 15 people; wooing the crowd and covering all the Whiskey Sharts’ songs in only a way Keith Fucking Jackson can. Stan offered Keith the front man position in Whiskey Sharts and the rest is history.
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The Shitizens of Shartsville
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Ophelia Morningwood
Former heiress of the Morningwood Lumber Company, Ophelia spends most of her time supporting the Sharts not only as a sponsor to help out with merch and travel but she also makes the wares for the productions for Whiskey Sharts’ videos and live performances. Don’t ask Ophelia about her parents because it sets her off on a mood. Ophelia became a part-time environmentalist to “piss-off her parents” and they have since written her out of the will. So, now to spite her parents even further, she spends all her time and extra income on Whiskey Sharts, the “heathens” of Shartsville, as Ma and Pa Morningwood likes to call them. Be careful with Ophelia, she’ll break your heart and steal your confidence…
Reebuh McEncheese
As the manager of the “Grab Yer Shit ‘N Git”, Reebuh spends so much time at the only convenient mart in Shartsville , she practically eats, breathes, and sleeps the “Grab Yer Shit ‘N Git.” Despite being so associated with the GYSNG she’s one of the worst managers they’ve ever had; often leaving the store unlocked to hang out with Whiskey Sharts at the Shartsville Saloon. But who else would work for less than minimum wage and tubs of Ranch?
Kentucky Montana
Or Kenny Tuck as he hates to be called, runs his family business, the Shartsville Saloon, the birth place of Whiskey Sharts and the actual home of KFJ. Kentucky also grew up with the Sharts and even gave them the name, as a joke at first but it kinda stuck. Kentucky will always lend an ear to his patrons but it’s doubtful that he’s listening. He does shake his head as though he’s listening but he aint.
Serenity Trinity Delang
Miss Shartsville 5* times runnin’, Trinity is mostly known throughout Shartsville as the bubbly, fortune-telling, multilevel marketer who hustles almost as well as she sings. She can be seen time from time with Whiskey Sharts, offering those female vocals to the tenacious band. Being the type to live in her past accomplishments Trinity, covets her current position in Whiskey Sharts very closely and will give anyone what-for in the nicest way possible if she feels like her position is being threatened.
*Her first “Miss Shartsville” win is in review because she didn’t test positive for drugs.
Dr. Smokestoomuch
The good Dr. Smokestoomuch is the town’s weed Doc; always writing just the right prescription for whatever ailments any y’all might be inflicted with on any given day. If you can’t sleep, your back is aching more’n usual, if you’re worried sick or just plain want to get stoned to the bone, Dr.Smokestoomuch can prescribe any marijuan grown throughout Shartsville and the U.S. of Fucking A! Just be careful with his Monster Hash. Tradeshartmark Pending.
Mayor Tex MacArthur
Mayor MacArthur is the uncontested Mayor of Shartsville, who presides over the governmental workings of Shartsville. Always conflicted with freedom and rights, he appears very wishy-washy with the little bit of rules and restrictions Shartsville has. The preservation of Shartsville from the outside Union, is third to top priority with drugs and women always contending for the top spot. The Mayor, though beloved by all shitizens, has recently lost the most amount of popularity in the polls since he made all drugs illegal (“‘cept Marijuana since it’s a plant from God’s green earth”). Violators of this new rule have to volunteer themselves to be rehabilitated at the Shartsville Mental Health Asylum. This is an ongoing conflict…
Rico Jr.
Rico Planeta Jr. is one of many Rico Juniors running around Shartsville. See, Rico ain’t very good with coming-up with names and even remembering them for that matter so, he named all his sons and daughters Rico Jr. But this here Rico Jr is the very first one and wants to be like his Papi in every way. That’s why he learned to bang the drums so he can fill-in for his Papi when Whiskey Sharts needs him. Rico Jr. brings his own style and flare to the Sharts. Familia!
Snake Whissken
Snake is ssssmooth and sssslick on his bass when he plays with Whiskey Sharts. “No one sssslaps the bass the way he do.” Snake Whissken was charged with chasing out a group of snakes that had entangled themselves in the Shartsville Saloon, one night. Well, Snake Whissken picked up the bass, slapped a few notes and those snakes high-tailed it out. Snake is also the only bassist the band has had that Keith can remember his name. Perhaps it’s the full snake skin suit he plays in on stage.
Pedro Ducer
Pedro is the producer of all Whiskey Sharts songs and runs the Shartsville studio. No one is really sure what Pedro does in the studio has but he is a very enthusiastic proponent of the Sharts and would do anything for them. Pedro is attributed both in encouraging the Sharts to take their music out of Shartsville to the rest of the U.S. and reuniting them after they broked-up on account of the death of the late and great Stan Mason Dixon, May He Rest in Peace.
Johnny Law
As the only deputy in Shartsville, Johnny Law usually has his hands full with domestic issues and disorderly conduct, which just about every Shitizen in Shartsville finds themselves in on the regular. Probably the nicest guy to ever carry a gun, he hopes to be the Sheriff of Shartsville one day. Johnny has been seen a few times performing with the Sharts on stage.
Woody Woods
Woody was the first to reluctantly fill the late and great Stan Mason Dixon’s May He rest in Peace shoes on bass after Pedro Ducer got the band back together decades after s Stan’s passing. Now retired from his brief stint in the open mic spotlight, Woody stays home telling is dog all about his time with the Sharts. He even plays on the first two EPs but can’t remeber which songs. His dog loves him no matter what though.
Dr. Derrick Frost
Not too much is known about the Director of the Shartsville Mental Health Asylum. There are no known records of him in town but the record keeping in Shartsville aint exactly up to par. Mayor Tex MacArthur seems to trust him so much that he don’t even check up on him and the relatively new asylum. “as long as we don’t have any more deaths like that of the late and great Stan Mason Dixon, May He Rest in Peace…” The Doctor is free to keep the town folk safe from themselves. There’s a lot of talk and rumors of the Asylum that the Shitizens have named “The Dark Fortress”, but since Dr. Frost has so much pull with the Mayor, not many folks want to challenge them. Seems no one is the same once they come back from treatment. Changed for the better or worse is up for debate.
Slim Chances
The man known throughout Shartsville as “the Man who will Fuck damn near Anything”, Slim got his nickname from the late and great Stan Mason Dixon as ironical like a large man being called Tiny. Slim grew up along side Stan and considered him a brother. After Stan’s passing while Trace was living at the Asylum, Slim did the best he could to keep up the house and property and even tried to play for Trace when the band got back together. Shartsville just ain’t the same for Slim since his dear friend departed.
TW Makkoy
Thadeus Wendall Makkoy is the redneck engineer of Shartsville who is in charge of securing the town limits and making sure no outsiders make their way in our fair town. Since Whiskey Sharts have left Shartsville to peruse Pedro’s Rock and Roll Dreams, TW has had his hands full. Even this here website extends past his comfortability zone. Forever ardent with his ideas of security, he often asks Cecil to help with
{omitted for your safety}
Guy on the Couch
aka The Go Fuck Yourself Guy, is a typical Shitizen of Shartsville. No one knows how he survives without a job or how he always sleeps through big events but you can always see him resting his eyes for a spell when he ain’t up trying to kill his liver.
PC Green
Local folk artist and author of the Shartsville comic series ” The Future Galaxy Prince “, PC Green can be seen Cos-playing as the hero of the comic who resembles him greatly. Sometimes he insists that the stories he writes already happened in the future. When one of the “break from reality” episodes happen, Mr. Green is forced into treatment at the Mental Health Asylum for his safety and the safety of the town folk. Whiskey Sharts indulges his fantasies because “who are we to say whom he is and whom he aint!” After treatment he settles down again until KFJ indulges these fantasies for his own curiosity.
The Crew
Production Crew
We could not do all we do without the volunteers throughout Shartsville and the U.S of Fucking A! There have been many excited professionals who make us look as though we know what we’re doing. We wanted to send a permanent Shartsville Thank You to all who have helped us and those still helping! You are the ones who rock! Middle Fingers Up! GFYS!!
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