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All The News That’s Fit To Print…And Some That Isn’t!

✪ Volume VI-IX ✪ Issue June 2018 ✪ FREE PUBLICATION ✪  Shartsville, USA ✪

His eyes are blue, his beard is red, he can conjure people up from the dead! T.H.E. Crooks, J.C. & KFJ



Welcome to the latest edition of The Shartsville Home Town News, our Shitizens’ guide to all of the events of interest in our corner of the world. If you have a news tip, please call the Hotline at 555-TIPZ.  All tips, events, recipes and gossip are welcomed and uncompensated; you need not leave your name if you wish.  Pussy.

Shartsville’s favorite band, Whiskey Sharts, has been making a name for themselves in Central Florida, playing in bars, clubs, festivals and backyards to enthusiastic crowds.  The strange thing is, many of those folks with the awesome taste in music seem like they feel GUILTY for liking the colorful themes in the bands’ music and don’t want to share it with their friends for fear of social judgement.  Please send empowering, loving thoughts to the band’s silent fans out there in the hope that they will sack up and become the proud evolved music lovers we know they CAN be and spread our Sharts far and wide! Our local heroes are home for a few short weeks before participating in the USA’s largest Fringe Festival, in Orlando, Florida.  To round out the show, they will be joined onstage by Serenity Trinity DeLange, Cecil DaPizzaGuy and Dr. Smokestoomuch.  They will be featured in a Comedy Showcase that is FREE to all and knowing the unique creative folks that attend this festival, the act will be a SMASH!

In the meantime, we all know the drill; the guys are going to be busy catching up on the all the work they missed around town recently, so if you haven’t gotten your name on a Wait List, especially at Beaver’s Damn Auto Repair, you better do it NOW!


Many thanks to our Shitizen Volunteers for the new paint at The Learn N’ Love House and Community Recreation Center!


Shartsville Community Calendar

Community Potluck Meals are always $3 for Adults, free for Seniors & Kids under 12.  If you ain’t got no money you can volunteer for Cleanup, Delivery or see if there is a Feed It Forward chit available for your use.  Menu is subject to change depending upon the availability of ingredients. To donate to the Community Kitchen please call the HOTLINE at 555-TIPZ with advance notice- No donation too big, small, hairy, feathery, scaly, ornery, squished, bruised, ugly, wilted, stinky, alive or overly dead!


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Mondays: Breakfast- Oatmeal, Cold Cereal, Fruit & Berries

                    Dinner- Fresh Catch/Game (or burgers if they didn’t catch anything), Smashed Potatoes, Cake

Tuesdays: Breakfast- Egg Casserole with Flour Tortillas and Salsa.

                     Dinner- Taco Night (game or beef) with all the fixings, Lemon Bars

Wednesdays: Breakfast- Creamed Chipped Beef on Toast, Fruits & Berries

                           Dinner- Liver & Onion Gravy, Cabbage Rolls & Coffee, Pudding with Topping

Thursdays: Breakfast- Scrapple, Cream of Wheat, Stewed Prunes

                     Dinner- Hot Dog on a Bun with all the fixings, Potato Chips, Tossed Salad, Ice Cream Novelties

Fridays:  Breakfast- Coffee Cake, Egg Casserole, Bacon, Fruits & Berries

                  Dinner- Chili Con WhateverWeGot, Chef’s Choice of Leftovers, Fruit Trifle

Please remember to bring your cups if you want drinks to go and Suckerware to take home any leftovers for the weekend.  

It works because we work together!

Thanks to our Local Sponsors:



Arts & Entertainment

Every Thursday- Movie Night at The Rec. Bring your favorite VHS/DVD and watch it projected on the side of the building for all to see. Bring your lawn chair and grab a plate for Dinner & a Movie, Shartsville-Style.  (Family Movies please, and no pissy attitude if yours doesn’t get picked.)

June 6- There will be an autograph signing with Jesus Christ (in person) Sunday at 9am and 10:30am at The Learn ‘N Love House.  FREE- everyone welcome.

June 14- Draw With Me by Tits McGee! Meet at the Animal Shelter to learn how to capture captured wildlife on paper.  The best sketches will be used as greeting cards to help fund the Shelter. Pugs preferred. Lessons are free but please bring supplies if you have them.

June 24- Mime performance! The Shartsville Library has scheduled Michael Hennessy, a mime who studied with Marcel Marseau, to perform at 3pm at City Hall. There will be an interpreter for the hearing impaired.

Police Blotter

  • A car belonging to a Back Road resident was scratched overnight while parked in the driveway between 440pm and 9am.  The scratches appeared to spell a word but only an F and a U could be made out.
  • In the 300 block of 3rd street, a woman was having sex with her ex-husband when she remembered she had a restraining order against him.  She them reported him to police for violating the order.
  • At about midnight on May 12, a man in the 400 block of 4th street reported that he saw two girls and one man in a rust colored car steal an American flag from the flag pole in front of a business.  The flag was described in the police report as red, white and blue with 50 stars. The report was filed for insurance purposes and the flag was valued at $100.
  • Someone called police and requested they check on a neighbor.  The caller said a woman was laying outside on her patio and was not moving.  An officer found the woman and she was fine. She was just sunbathing.
  • A Main street Shitizen told officers that he was going to the Shartsville Asylum for medical treatment after another man had dumped a bucket of orange worms on his face.  He claimed some of them went up his nose and his head was “all messed up now”.
  • A Dixon Street Shitizen reported “that a kitten was acting suspicious”.
  • Police received a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can.  Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.


“A bird in the hand won’t shit on your bush”. -Stan Mason Dixon (May he rest in Peace)


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Announcements/Personal Messages


FOUND: Young female white cat, brown tabby markings, looks like Barbara Steisand, free to good home.

CORRECTION: Due to incorrect information received from Sheriff Tex McArthur’s office, Serenity Trinity DeLange was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in last month’s newsletter.  The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. Shartsville Home Town News apologizes for the error.

FREE TO GOOD COUNTRY HOME: Rottweiler/Shepherd mix, 3 years old, female, spayed, very intelligent, loves to eat live rabbits and kittens, loves to play ball with kids.

Lonely Hearts: Nemesis Wanted: I’m 5’10, into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honor and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

INQUIRY: Anyone knowing the person who knows who is paying for the mice in the walls to listen to me on Vine Street, please notify Cecil at the Pizza Shop.



Farm/Growhouse Workers: Due to incredible growth, Planeta Farms is hiring in all departments! In addition to field and production workers, they need Budtenders &  Trimmers for the Dispensary and folks to work the highway fruit stands. Have culinary skills? Contact Planeta Pharms if you want to make jellies, preserves, pickles, salsa, relish and other goodies using the wonderful fruits and produce from Planeta Pharms. If you have skills at baking or candymaking with a kick, they need you at the Dispensary PRONTO. Pay depends on experience and production level, in addition, all employees get discounts and the opportunity to glean the fields after harvest.  Not good with people? Grow your own crops and sell them to Planeta Pharms!


WANTED: Your leftover aluminum foil for a top-secret recycling/apparel venture. Not sure if it will work yet so I don’t want to pay for nothing but I will come and get it.  Contact Cecil DaPizzaGuy.


Voice/Karaoke Lessons: Keith Fuckin Jackson is now accepting new students for his personal Voice Coach services. Impress your friends on Karaoke Night or just improve your solo shower skills.  Group lessons at The Shartsville Saloon on Tuesday & Thursday nights, Private Lessons in your home available on a limited basis.


Maintenance: The Grab Yer Shit N Git is in need of someone to do some custodial duties at the store, break down boxes, clean the grease trap/toilet, hose the maggots out of the trash cans, pick up cigarette butts and anything else that needs doing.  Contact Reebuh McEncheese for details. Must provide your own work gloves and Tetanus & Hepatitis shots.


FOUND: Young female white cat, brown tabby markings, looks like Barbara Steisand, free to good home.

Mechanic/Grease Monkey:  Beaver’s Damn Auto Repair got pretty backlogged while Beaver was out thumping his bass with Whiskey Sharts and to make sure that doesn’t happen again, the garage is hiring Mechanics and scrap yard workers. Bonus if you have your own tools.  Must be good at pumping, lubing, grinding and tire changes.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Shartsville Home Town News.  Please call the Hotline at 555-TIPZ with any information or news you want to share with our readers.  You can also send an electronic mail thing to See you next time!

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2 Responses to “Shartsville Home Town News”

  1. Richard Parmenter

    Ahhhh finally, real news.
    What a great newsletter, and a Shitazens favorite price too. Free.
    I’m gonna have to make a Shitazens arrest, if ya keep making me laugh so hard.
    #hard #bonershappen #i❤marijauna


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